Being a Good Friend

What is being a good friend? Do you have more acquaintances and few close friends? Who do you call on when you are in trouble? 
I've been pondering these questions lately. It seems to me that family is who you're stuck with and can interact or avoid as you wish. But friends need nurturing, at least the close ones. I try to feed my close friends whenever I can. That leads me to what has been happening lately.

I think sometimes it doesn't work to try to give your friend everything they want, to always be there to help them and support them. It sounds like I'm a rotten friend but it's true.

In order to be a good friend you must first be a good friend to yourself. I recently realized this. I would give up something I wanted to be with a friend or rushed over to help someone instead of taking care of myself.

The consequence of always being there:

• Your "friend" thinks you will always be there and will call you for anything including things that are inconvenient for them and nearly impossible for you.

• They will take all you have to give and throw scraps to you because often you don't ask for much.

It makes sense that I'm angry. I look for opportunities to help people every chance I get. I like helping people. It's rewarding.

But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. A "friend" who, over the years takes and takes, will expect to always be able to take.

Make no mistake. I'm responsible for what happens. It's easy to take advantage of me (well, not anymore).

A good friend recognizes that trait in me and refuses to ask for too much. I know this to be true since I have friends who are like that. These are my most cherished people. They want to be equal partners in the relationship - giving and taking.

That leads me to the second point: Saying NO.

No matter how important that person is to you, you can still say no to them and they will have to deal with it. No isn't goodbye. It's, 'I can't help right now. I have other responsibilities'.

It is difficult. And I'm still learning. 

Keep posted!
AG

What to do when a post hurts you...

 My appreciation to Nick Stefan for holding up a tiny mirror for me with just one Twitter. The result is this little blog entry.

What to do when someone hates your work

I've been thinking about finding ways to protect myself from hurt when someone gives me a bad review. It is easy to hurt me, I know it. Am I strong enough to withstand any firestorm or apathy that could, should, will occur when someone reads my writing?


How can I let it roll off my back, like some say I should? Writers, artists and performers, when they offer their work to the world, lay a bit of their souls on the line. The diversity of humankind is both a blessing and a curse. When we create something, there has to be reaction and comment.

Panic Turtle from AnnasSketchStudio

And why not?

Artists are creatures that live to exhibit to the world. Creative expression is connected to the hope that there are others out there that will value it for the heart we put into it.  It isn't that we're masochists, wishing for someone to hurt us.

We have an insane need to express ourselves.

So why do negative comments, mild or acidic,  live in our heads longer than all the positive and encouraging statements?

I've been here and was angry at my perceived weakness and insecurity about my work.

There are three obvious truths I remind myself to offset hurtful comments.

First: 

Your work triggered something in people. It touched them. Regardless of the tone of the comment, they HAD to say something.
You made an impact!

You connected to another human being with that bit of your soul that was laid out there to be trampled on or uplifted by anyone.



Because it effected them, I DO know we did our job: we entertained, enlightened, disgusted.

Evoked a response. 

Second:

Remember that those comments aren’t a reflection of us but the composer. Their response is theirs. 

We can’t fathom what will touch or disgust someone. We may think we know, but each individual reacts to things with a set of experiences and emotions we can’t begin to fully understand. I can’t even understand my own reactions to things at times.

Your work made them hold a tiny mirror in front of themselves. It revealed a piece of themselves they didn’t want to see. You made them look at themselves. They're exposed and angry at you for provoking them. They lash out, wanting to hurt like they do.

I applaud those who can evoke a strong emotion in me whether disgust or joy, because it reminds me that I am still a work in progress, just like my writing. That tiny mirror provides me with more to see and be.

Don’t be afraid to hold your bit of soul out there for others to see and comment. It is their response to YOUR WORK and NOT YOU that makes them lash out.  Whether they gaze into that mirror and open themselves to something new or smash it to bits, is their choice.

You did your job. You gave them a chance to grow and feel. 

Third:

Be true to yourself. Your work reflects a bit of you and shouldn't that be something genuine and honest?

When it's time to turn out the lights, you should be able to look back at and be able to say:

I wrote, performed, painted, etc. because I believed in it. I don't have to defend it. It is.

Addendum:

I have to mention professional reviewers. It is my assumption that people who review art have knowledge and experience that will allow them to provide both a critique and reasons for their approval or disapproval.  I count this as constructive criticism and priceless in improving myself.  

If you have gotten this far, I am grateful. Something I said resonated for you. I hope so.

P.S.  

I arrived at all these thoughts during one of the most mundane of activities. I was spending time in nature, picking up the gifts my dogs left in my yard. Doing this leaves me both humble and thoughtful, and ironic and silly, and ...

What I learned from Evil Dead (1981)

 What is a romance novelist doing writing about a classic horror film? There can be no wider separation between them. And yet...

http://wickedhorror.thunderroadinc.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/evil-dead-2-groovy-2.jpg

Evil Dead is the quintessential B-movie horror flick that strives to be gory but maybe not so much scary. If you read Bruce Campbell's biography If Chins Could Talk, you'll find out how the movie that made Bruce, Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert famous was actually made in practically their own backyard with next to no budget and huge amounts of creativity.

If you haven't seen this amazing gem and can remember that this was made in 1981 with NO budget and NO digital animation, you'll have a fun time quoting again and again some of the classic lines.

Now: What I Learned from Evil Dead

Improvise When You Don't have the Right Tool

All the special effects were done by actually DOING them. There weren't any stunt men to take the risks for the actors. If you needed a guy to fly through the air, according to Bruce Campbell, you get strapped to a pole in front of a huge 70's car. Then it is driven into a window or you are pulled through a window or whatever the scene calls for. And frankly the stunts work because they are fun to watch. It looks like Bruce expressions aren't acting but actual emotions like fear, surprise and alarm.

Make Your Characters Drive the Plot

There are some things certain characters won't do. Evil Dead is not a subtle film and because of that, the characterization isn't either. But for this it works! We have a clear idea of who Ash is and what he probably will or will not do. Instead of destroying the pace, Ash drags you kicking and screaming happily from scene to scene.

Make Sure There is a Plot

and while it bogs down a little in the middle, Evil Dead moves with speed from the cabin in the woods, to the fields to back in time (Do you want to see this movie yet?). We all know that most of the characters won't make it. They show the gore and make sure we know things are really really bad. Maybe that's why I stand behind Ash and scream at the screen to "get away!" or "don't back up in a cemetery". Someone has to survive!  Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is similar but Evil Dead still retains the top spot for the ideal mix of camp and horror / gore

Creativity - Super Creativity

Above all else, Evil Dead is creative. If necessity is the mother of invention, there still needs to be a spark of creativity to be able to come up with the necessary solution to a problem. If you have only one car to film, and it is your parents' car, you use it whenever the story calls for THE CAR. You cut off a hand - stick a chain saw on it. And remind Ash to remember the magic words!

Evil Dead the only horror movie that I will watch over and over. Actually I'll watch Slither and Tucker and Dale over and over too but Evil Dead and it's sequels are admirable for what they did with so little.

And this is from a romance novelist!

 Curiosity

Central New York is in brown but often the Finger Lakes are included. From: http://www.visitnewyorkstate.net/regions/

Good morning ! It's cloudy here in Central New York and I find myself hunting for a bit of sun. It's there, I know it. If you get the chance, check out the "The Seven Stages of Being a Writer". As in life, writing is a journey and this blog put sinto words what I have been discovering about myself as a writer since I picked up my laptop and started writing again. I believe it all has to do with wanting to learn. And that means to be curious about all that is around you.

If you aren't curious, stop and think, have I learned everything I want to? Have I experienced everything I set out to do? If you answer YES then you are very lucky to reach that pinnacle. But if you are honest, you could probably find something that makes you say, Mmmmm .... Come on isn't there? In case you can't come up with any yourself, here are just a very few of the things I still need to learn:

• How do I learn to be more outgoing ? 
• How much weight can a cloud carry? 
• What will the next cars look like?
• What did Shakespeare like to eat?
• What are billboards made of?
• How can I get that guy/girl/other to notice me?
• How long would this list be if I wrote down everything I wanted to know?

And that is just the few I thought of while looking out the window! Curiosity is one of the greatest feeling/thought processes you can hone and encourage. Watch a two year old child look at the world. What does he/she see? What can they understand? Young children have an irrepressible need to find out about the world. I want to keep that childlike wonder to know more. 

What about you?

AG

Welcome!
I have joined Camp NaNoWriMo  and will be working on my goal of 120 hours of writing and editing. Mostly editing. Camp NaNoWriMo is an offshoot of the National Novel Writing Month which happens in November. I have written my first novel in November. In fact that is the one I am working on right now.

Camp NaNoWriMo allows writers to join a "cabin" and connect with others of the same genre or style or whatever you have in common. Starting on April 1st, I will be "camping" for the first time. Already there are nice people that I have met via my cabin. Take a look and see if this is something that will inspire you!